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Writer's pictureAmanda O'Brien

People-Pleasing, a Trauma Response-Why We Do It & How to Stop


Let's Talk About People-Pleasing as a Trauma Response


Let’s be honest—we’ve all done it. We say “yes” when we really mean “no,” agree to things we don’t want to do, or go out of our way to make others happy, even when it costs us. But why? People-pleasing isn’t just about being "nice"—it often runs much deeper. People-pleasing can be a trauma response where someone goes out of their way to please others to avoid conflict and establish a sense of safety. This can involve agreeing with others, suppressing their own needs, or tolerating mistreatment.


So if you’ve ever wondered why you keep putting others first, you’re not alone, and there’s more to it than just wanting to be liked. Let’s dive into the reasons behind people-pleasing, and then discuss ways to break the pattern.



a hand holding up a sign saying "it's okay to say no."


Why Do We People Please?


Fear of Rejection and Abandonment

Many people people-please because they fear that if they don’t meet others’ needs, they will be rejected, abandoned, or unloved. This can stem from early experiences where love or approval was conditional.


Desire for Approval and Validation

People often people-please because they seek external validation to feel good about themselves. They may have learned that their worth is tied to how much they can make others happy.


Avoiding Conflict or Disapproval

Conflict can feel terrifying for people-pleasers, so they go out of their way to avoid it by agreeing with others or not asserting their own needs, believing that harmony comes at the expense of their own boundaries.


Low Self-Esteem

When someone doesn’t feel worthy of love or respect, they might people-please in an attempt to gain it from others. It’s a way to feel valued when they don’t believe they deserve it on their own.


Conditioning from Childhood

People who grew up in environments where their emotional needs were neglected or dismissed often learn that pleasing others is the only way to gain attention or affection. Over time, this behavior becomes ingrained.


Need for Control in Unstable Environments

For some, people-pleasing is a way to maintain control in chaotic or unpredictable environments. By keeping others happy, they reduce the risk of emotional volatility or conflict.


Empathy and Sensitivity

Some people are naturally empathetic and sensitive to others' emotions, and people-pleasing can be a way to soothe their anxiety or discomfort when others are unhappy.




girl at work who is stressed because she said yes too much.


How to Break Free from People-Pleasing

If you’ve recognized yourself in any of these signs, don’t worry—there are ways to stop people-pleasing and start more living authentically. Here’s how:


1. Identify Your People-Pleasing Patterns

Take a step back and ask yourself why you tend to people-please. Was it a way to survive in the past? Did you develop it out of fear of rejection? Understanding why you do it is key to stopping the habit. If you are having a hard time determining the roots of this behavior, it could be helpful to discuss with a therapist.


2. Set Boundaries, Even if It Feels Uncomfortable

Boundaries are the secret sauce to breaking free from people-pleasing. Start small by saying no to things that don’t align with your needs. It might feel awkward at first, but remember: you’re allowed to prioritize yourself.


3. Reconnect with Your Needs and Desires

Spend some time figuring out who you are and what you really want. When you’ve been focused on others for so long, it can feel weird to reconnect with your own desires. Try journaling or working with a therapist to explore your values and needs. Looking to get started? Here is a list of journaling topics to get started with to begin reconnecting with yourself.


4. Challenge Your Fear of Conflict

Remind yourself that conflict doesn’t always mean rejection. Healthy conflict is actually necessary for strong relationships. Practice speaking up in low-stakes situations to build your confidence.


5. Practice Self-Compassion

Be gentle with yourself. People-pleasing didn’t develop overnight, and it won’t go away instantly either. Celebrate the small wins as you learn to put yourself first and recognize that you deserve to have your needs met.




Ready to Overcome People-Pleasing Behaviors?

While people-pleasing may have been a response to past trauma, it could be preventing you from living authentically now. By recognizing these behaviors and understanding their roots, you can begin to set boundaries and reclaim your authentic self. Therapy provides a safe space to explore and heal these patterns, offering the support needed to break free from the cycle and reduce the anxiety tied to others’ expectations.



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