Drop the Chill Girl Act-Why Pretending Not to Care Is Hurting Your Relationships

The “chill girl” act isn’t about confidence. It’s about self-protection.

It’s the version of yourself that says “it’s fine” when it isn’t. That downplays disappointment. That pretends not to care because caring feels risky. And while it might keep things smooth on the surface, it often quietly erodes your connection-to both yourself and the people you’re in relationships with. Pretending not to care is one of the most common ways self-abandonment in relationships shows up, especially for people who learned early on that expressing needs felt risky.

How Self-Abandonment in Relationships Shows Up as the “Chill Girl” Act

Being “chill” is often praised in dating and relationships. It looks like being easygoing, flexible, low-maintenance.

But when it crosses into self-abandonment, it tends to look like:

• Not bringing something up because you don’t want to seem needy

• Acting unbothered when you actually feel hurt or disappointed

• Adjusting your preferences to match someone else’s

• Avoiding conflict to keep the peace

• Convincing yourself you “don’t care that much” when you actually do
  

From the outside, you seem relaxed. On the inside, you’re managing anxiety, resentment, or self-doubt.

Why Pretending Not to Care Feels Safer

For many people, pretending not to care wasn’t a conscious choice-it was learned.

You may have learned early on that:

• Having needs led to conflict

• Expressing feelings led to rejection or distance from others

• Being “too much” made you less lovable or "not worth the trouble"

  
  

So instead, you adapted. You became agreeable. Understanding. Chill.

Not because you didn’t have needs-but because staying connected felt more important than being honest.

This isn’t weakness. It’s a survival strategy.

But what once helped you stay safe may now be hurting your relationships.

The Hidden Cost of the Chill Girl Act

When you repeatedly minimize yourself, the cost adds up.

Over time, pretending not to care can lead to:

• Feeling unseen or unchosen

• Resentment that comes out sideways

• Confusion about what you actually want

• Emotional distance, even in “good” relationships

• A sense that you’re performing instead of being known

  
  

You may start wondering why relationships feel draining, even when nothing is technically wrong.

The Difference Between Being Easygoing and Self-Abandoning

A helpful question to ask yourself is:

Am I being flexible because I feel secure-or because I’m afraid of what will happen if I speak up?

Being genuinely easygoing comes from emotional safety. Self-abandonment comes from fear. One feels spacious and the other feels constricting. One is a choice and the other is a reflex.

What Healthy Relationships Actually Require

Healthy relationships don’t require you to be chill at the expense of yourself.

They require:

• Honest expression-even when it’s uncomfortable

• Room for disappointment, repair, and nuance

• The ability to say, “This matters to me” without apologizing

• Trust that your needs won’t scare the right person away

  
  

If a relationship only works when you’re quiet, accommodating, or unbothered, it’s not asking for flexibility-it’s asking for disappearance.

Letting Go of the Act (Without Overcorrecting)

Cutting the chill girl act doesn’t mean becoming demanding, reactive, or hyper-focused on needs.

It means:

• Noticing when you default to minimizing yourself

• Pausing before saying “it’s fine” automatically

• Allowing mild discomfort instead of immediate self-silencing

• Practicing naming your needs in small, honest ways

  
  

This isn’t about confrontation. It’s about self-trust. Understanding where this pattern began-often in trauma or attachment dynamics-can make this shift feel less scary and more doable.

You Don’t Have to Pretend Not to Care to Be Loved

You don’t have to pretend not to care to be desirable. You don’t have to be low-maintenance to be loved. You don’t have to stay quiet to stay connected.

The right relationships can hold your needs, your feelings, and your humanity-without requiring you to disappear.

Want Support Navigating People-Pleasing in Relationships?

Many people come to therapy not because their relationships are “bad,” but because they’re tired of feeling unseen while trying so hard to not be "too much."

I work with individuals who want to understand their relationship patterns, reconnect with their needs, and build relationships that feel emotionally safe and fulfilling.

You can learn more about working with me or reach out to schedule a consultation.